Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
