Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
How does one acquire holy water?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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