you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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