why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
