??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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