I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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