so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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