It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
