If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
