She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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