I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
well most of my day revolves around power hour
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
