I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
