There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
