I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
