It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
