hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Randomize
