seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
