i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
