Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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