I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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