there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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