You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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