My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Sorry about my life...
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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