Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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