Ambien. No doubt about it.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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