Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i will never coherently bang her
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
