Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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