did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
