I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
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