i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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