If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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