I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
