you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
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