just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
just found out that she named her cat after me.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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