sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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