I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
