Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
