I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
