K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I could make wine with my vomit
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
