I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
