I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
