just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
