When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
