dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
