so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
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only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
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I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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