I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
