How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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