there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
