I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
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