The maid of honor just puked.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
