sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
