so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
