My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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