also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
