She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
