New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
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