Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
