3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
